How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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