is your mom at the bar?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize