I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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