Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
