life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
