I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
