if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Randomize
