Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
