you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
