Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
