i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
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