i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
