Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
