After last night, I could never be a politician.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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