We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
