Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
