Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
