A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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