I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
