i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
