well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
