Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
