If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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