my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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