I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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