you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she peed on how many people?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Someone shattered a urinal.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
