this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
