New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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