Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
