You're earring is so big in my mouth
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
