Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
