I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
