Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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