Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
