Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
