Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry about my life...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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