found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
