well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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