I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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