i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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