I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i will never coherently bang her
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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