Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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