my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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