Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
