Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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