I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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