i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
