gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
