So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
