Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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