I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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