i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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