Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
