Do you still have your period?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
