do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
