Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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