if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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