Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
